Somewhere In Time – I can’t survive if this is all that’s real – Maui, Hawaii USA.

Last year. 2015. Happy it’s over yet incredibly sad that it’s gone. I don’t like the change it brought.

Personally, it was the most tragic year of my life. Something that happened in early autumn that I can’t even bear to write yet. If I write it then it becomes more real so I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I was going through some old photos and found this one from Maui. It fits me right now. All underwater, blurry and unsure. I remember when I took it I was snorkeling around and all of the sudden I saw this red bathing suit floating in the ocean on a little noodle – apparently a new swimmer, her trepidation spread through the waves for all to see. I really admire people like that. People who just don’t give a crap. You’re in Hawaii, you get into that water girl even if you can’t swim. Good for you.

When I saw this red bikini floating around immediately I grabbed a shot. I knew it was weird and hard to describe but it was perfect and the colors I really loved, you could just fall into them and swim forever. The horizon just disappears into those colors and she’s perfect floating in them and being crushed by them at the same time. Out of her element. Suspended.

The best part of being underwater is that decisive moment when your ears dip below the water line and all the noise and clutter of your life just fades away. It doesn’t look like she’s gotten there yet but hopefully she will. That’s 99.99% of the reason I swim or even bathe really. Let what your brain thinks it knows disappear and let the unreal, unknown audio circus take its place. There’s always more to life than what we see or think we know. It always boggles my mind when I talk with people who don’t believe in the spirit life. I can’t understand how anyone can think that this is it – that THIS is all we have. What would the point be of getting up each day if this was truly it?

I heard a line in a Lana Del Rey song that sums up exactly how I’ve felt the last few wordless months: “I can’t survive if this is all that is real.”

There must be more. There has to be. The pain lies in how many lifetimes it could take until I see you again.

Image: I Can’t Survive If This Is All That’s Real – Maui, Hawaii USA 

Copyright Bethany Salvon 2013

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